Date: Mon, 09 Jun 2003 07:17:30 -0400
Subject: 


The Mudges of San Antonio: Part I
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Like Thyagayya I sat there

                                 waiting

For the curtain to rise

                                         theratheeyagaraadaa.....


a muted diva

finding voice again

                         in newer spaces

trying to understand
why
the screen was down

                                 lownee... theratheeyagaraadaa

As they chanted his millionthousandhundred names in a million voice chorus


                         Invoking the voices of past scribes


scribes
who
in the writing, it seemed

to me

                 understood the importance of performative voice

Vyasa uvaacha...

                                 ananyaashchinthayanthomaam
                                         thE janaaha pari.....


[Ah yes I know I have misquoted
For the original - if indeed it was such - was placed in the performative 
voice of the supreme being...]

What might he
mis-quote and plagiarize?

Who is the scribe not
citing?

                         Which are voices not allowed the Performative
                                 Author-ity

Agency

                 in the chant?


AndyetiexpectedthecurtainwouldriseformeandthatHewouldappear

for me

and grace me with a smile and a blessing

                         "Well done, my child"

                                 and a pat on the head...

                                                         [yet i walked 
away... not waiting for the patting on the head this time 
-thistimeiwalkedawaywithouteventheperformanceformymother'sdevouteyessoshewouldnotbehurt 
(but not to worry i will tell her a different story even though i know she 
will see through and past it and we will perform the ritual for the others 
as we speak with eyes and hearts and wonder whether we understood each 
other at all) - i walked away from his test of fire, from his holy water 
(as my lusting friend broke all the rules from an outside context - i let 
her in as a goddess ) - without his permission - i have let in so many 
godesses without his permission...
heaven for - bid!].


Did I not *incur* the anger then?

Did I not *intentionally* incur the anger?

                                         [but what do the mudges of san 
antonio have to do with all of this, you say?
                                                         wait and see says 
the bard - ess
                                                                                         cyberdiva 
waves to you and winks, for a moment stepping out of character...

                         or is she stepping *into* character...?]

what is intentional? in what situational logic am i bound by what 
limitation of choices?

forthesurvivalofmyvoice - s

in whatever transmutated

                         [mist] Form [ation]

is not permitted

in the logic of His Blessings

                                 [Shikhandi raises her bow to eye level, 
inserts an arrow and aims... consumed with agony and pain and sorrow and 
conflict over what she is about to do...... ah the contradictions she must 
negotiate...while ekalavya gives away his thumb]

This I know.

or so i think.

Have present structures [re]interpreted the Blessings so?

In that case does the intention matter

                         [the ghost of the daughter mudge of san antonio 
asked me yet again...this question.... overandoveragain as on the turnpike 
with battled the pouring rain as the thunder spoke again - da da da]

if the effect says so

                         to the mutating divas...



Are we dumb perhaps?
Do we not comprehend?






Radhika Gajjala

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http://www.cyberdiva.org