Date: 	Mon, 9 Mar 1998 22:09:48 -0500
Subject: HAB: A Philosophers Horse-race


Just thought I'd try to cut the tension...

(from the same author who brought ya'll "The Goodship 
Enlightenment")


A Philosophers Horse-race

(Announcer): Hello and good afternoon sports fans and 
philosophers.  Welcome to the greatest horse race that the 
world has ever seen, here in sunny suburb of Everyplace that 
Ever Could Be.  Today we will see some of the greatest 
intellectual jockeys compete for the grand prize - a prize
that cannot be defined because of the limitations of time and 
space but nonetheless exists because the empiricists haven't 
yet got their grubby little hands on it yet.

Well, as you can see, the crowd is in an uproar.  Let's take a 
look at some of the spectators that have joined us today....

     There's Hegel.  Stoic as ever, taking it all in... almost as if 
the causality of fate itself is at stake here...  

     And there's Nietzsche, smiling.... he seems to be making a 
day of it.

(Camera pans the crowd)

     And Marx... inciting the crowd... can't make out what he is 
saying from up here in the Booth with a View From Nowhere... 
but you can be sure he's not concerned about the Geist of
the competition....  And look there's Emma Goldman.  Looks 
like she and Lenin are having a disagreement..... oh there 
goes the nacho cheese - right in Lenin's face!  I'll be he didn't 
see that coming....

(Buzz)

     And the six riders are lining up.  We have Rorty, with his 
horse Pragmatism.  Rorty has had a busy year, battling with 
several questions about legitimacy.... next to Rorty is 
Gadamer, riding his trusty steed Hermeneutics...Gadamer has 
been in this business the longest... having raced against the 
likes of Heidegger, Popper, and Kuhn... he is beside 
Habermas, riding Modernity.  In the next lane Irigaray, with 
her horse Otherness.  And there is Derrida - sitting 
aporetically on the shoulders of Deconstruction.  And finally, 
in the outside lane, a newcomer this year in the competition, 
Agnes Heller.  Heller has been racing for many years now but 
hasn't entered any formal competitions.  She will be riding 
Beyond Justice - who is thought to be one of the best 
contenders this year...

Without further ado about nothing - let's get reading to see the 
raceway RUMBLE!

(Pause)

Uh oh.  There seems to be a problem.  The judges have 
surrounded Irigaray... it looks a though there is a dispute....  
The judges are arguing with her.  Let's get a close up with the 
Objective Cam...  Ok that is good - I can read her lips...

It seems as thought the judges are concerned about 
Otherness.  They are arguing that it isn't really a horse at all... 
 Irigaray is defending Otherness against Sameness...  Oh my 
goodness - it appears as though Irigaray is being 
disqualified!!!!  Apparently her horse is not a horse at all!  -
rather an aberration of a horse...  What's this?  She is being 
Abjected from the race.  Good Locke... this is a surprise.  
Again, we think that Irigaray is being Abjected from the race... 

Wait... we're getting official word now....  Yes.  It is final.  
Irigaray will not be able to ride Otherness to the finish line.  It 
appears that the differences between Horse and Otherness 
are too great....  Irigaray isn't happy today folks.  I'm not sure 
this is fair.  Otherness looks like the rest....  This is a sad day 
for Irigaray... she was really hoping to participate with the 
others...

(Irigaray and Otherness step of the field, yelling at the judges 
"READ MY LIPS YOU BASTARDS!")

The race is about to begin.

BIG BANG.

And they are off.  Hermeneutics is in the lead, Gadamer madly 
trying to outflank Pragmatism and Modernity.  Beyond Justice 
following just behind...  But wait...  what is this?

Derrida has gotten off Deconstruction and is walking... no... 
running onto the raceway.  This is unbelievable sports fans - 
Derrida is actually running the course on his own two feet!  
Derrida has decided not use Deconstruction at all - he is going 
to run the race without a horse!!!  Oh my, subjects and objects, 
- THE MADNESS OF THE DECISION!!!  It seems as though 
Derrida is attempting the possibility of the impossible!  Well 
good luck to him.  I guess we'll visit with him later about this...

(Back to the race)

And so it is Hermeneutics and Pragmatism... neck and neck... 
Modernity just behind them.  Beyond Justice on the outside 
edge - trying to find a theoretical opening....  They are coming 
up to the Cartesian turn....  And Gadamer gets it - the inside 
edge.... Pragmatism is forced to fall back... Heller with Beyond 
Justice close behind Rorty... Modernity catching up.....

And they are all onto the scientific straightaway... the riders 
appear to be in good form today.... testing their strength, 
measuring the weakness of the other riders... lots of empirical 
data here today folks.  Habermas... perhaps the most 
scientific of the four remaining riders.....

And here comes the linguistic turn.... Beyond Justice moving 
in.... Can Heller gain enough ground to pull past Pragmatism? 
 ....  It is going to be close... and yes.... Beyond Justice just
makes it.... Rorty isn't happy about that.  You can see him 
yelling about relativity....  Gadamer now with a commanding 
lead - he seems to have been the first rider around the 
linguistic turn.... back on a straightaway.... Modernity, the last 
one around that turn....  

And it seems to be a close race.... only a few propositions 
between each rider.... and here comes the interpretive turn....  
Gadamer still in the lead, Beyond Justice right behind him, 
Pragmatism... trailing slightly... and....

Oh NO!!!  There has been an accident!!!  Habermas has 
stumbled over a performative contradiction while making the 
interpretive turn... and Modernity is out of it.  I can't believe it. 
Habermas is such an experienced rider... I wonder what the 
hell happened!  Great Socrates!  I hope he is ok.  That trip up 
shot him clear off Modernity and launched him into the 
masses....  Wait, Habermas is moving... oh yes... there is 
Herbert Mead - helping him up.  And... ok... yes... we've got the 
communicative gesture.  Habermas, the jockey of Modernity 
will be ok.  That's good.  That was one systematically 
distorted tumble.

Back to the race.... we now have only three riders.... with 
Derrida still on foot... trailing way behind....  And we're coming 
up to the postmodern turn....  Hermeneutics, followed by 
Beyond Justice... then Pragmatism...  Everyone looks to be in 
a Platonic ideal....

Coming up to the postmodern turn...  Whoa... Gadamer is 
slowing way down.....  Beyond Justice cuts the slack... and 
takes the lead... Pragmatism also makes the turn before 
Hermeneutics... I wonder what is going on there....  Gadamer 
has slowed to a trot... it seems as though there is some 
trouble....  He is still in the race but, you know people, I just 
don't think he'll be getting that lead back....

And so it is Pragmatism and Beyond Justice fighting it out.  
Both riders, Rorty... Heller... going for the grand prize....  It is 
going to be a close one.  Rorty... going all out on after that 
corner... Heller trying to keep the lead.... Rorty is gaining.... 
Heller, her face is determined... she's not going to let this one 
go without a struggle for recognition....  Rorty moving to 
pass... they are beside one another....  Looks like Rorty is 
trying to get in close... he's got his riding crop flicking
the hind end of Pragmatism...  And... oh.... a liberal 
manoeuver... he's managed to get in front by an 
epistemological knows.....  Heller is really trying to keep this 
lead.... and here come the finish line... it is going to be a close 
one....  And its Pragmatism... no.. Beyond Justice... 
Pragmatism.... Beyond Justice.... and there it is!!!!  The race is 
over.  It looks like a tie.... I can't tell who won....  Quick!  Get an 
instant replay on that....

Silence...

And we have a decision - IT'S PRAGMATISM WITH THE WIN!!!! 
 What a Capitalist performance by Rorty today.  Marvelous....  
Let's look closely now at what made the difference....

Ok - they are neck and neck... oh... there it is.  Just before the 
finish Heller made an appeal to the crowd... presenting an 
argument for the inclusion of the good life in any 
socio-political ethic.... and that cost her the race people... 
Heller... second place with an appeal for honesty...  Very nice. 
She didn't win but the crowds are cheering.... Rorty may have 
received the as of yet undetermined prize but Heller has won 
the hearts and minds of everyone here....

PS.  Don't change your address....  Enlightenment jeopardy is 
up next - where philosophers are given hypothetical answers 
and have to come up with theoretical questions....

by Kenneth G. MacKendrick, dedicated to everyone on the 
Habermas list for making my life much more difficult that it 
needs to be (in a good way).




     --- from list habermas-AT-lists.village.virginia.edu ---